The Glass Admiral Read online

  Moving to the bed, Saverna knelt beside him. "Kosuri." She said softly and waited until his eyes snapped open to continue. The shock there surprised her, made her realize that he was in enough pain that he hadn't heard her enter the room. "Kosuri." She repeated his name deliberately, did not include his rank. Watched as he took that in. "Kosuri, let me help you."

  He stared at her and she watched as the light in his eyes shifted—as a spark rose from behind the cloud of pain and focussed on her. Despite the pain that still clouded his gaze, she had the feeling that she was looking at the real Kosuri—no that wasn't quite right. For you are always real no matter what part of yourself you are offering for display are you not? No, this isn't the real Kosuri for Admiral Kosuri is not an act. This is simply... another part of you that I have not yet met I think.

  "Kos." He confirmed in a rasp. "I'm Kos."

  "Kos. Saverna nodded. "Let me help you Kos."

  He stared at her for a long moment. "I'm not pretty Saverna." He told her. It was a warning and he watched her as he said it.

  "I know." She told him.

  "Do you?"

  "I'm a horse-trainer Kos, I spend a great deal of time in mud and muck."

  "I am not a horse Saverna. Mud and muck and everything else aside, I am a man."

  "I know."

  "Do you?"

  "I do."

  "Will you be able to see me that way tomorrow after I've been sick all over you?” His eyes drilled into hers now. He was, she saw, now sweating profusely.

  "I shall." Saverna was careful to maintain eye-contact and keep her voice level just as she would have with one of her horses.

  A flicker of hope dawned in his gaze before it was chased away by doubt. You are protecting yourself. "I will hold you to that Saverna."

  "I hope that you will."

  02:10, FRIDAY, ADMIRAL’S QUARTERS, THE ASARO

  "Have you ever had an abdominal massage Kos?"

  "Yeah—” The answer dissolved into a groan that he tried to throttle as he gingerly turned himself onto his back

  Saverna waited until the clenched muscles and tendons of his face relaxed and he reopened his eyes and stopped holding his breath before she spoke. "If you need to groan or scream or swear or… whatever don't hold back. Just do it. It will be easier on your body if you get it out."

  He just looked at her.

  "Ok?"

  "Yeah."

  Levering herself up from the floor beside the bed she sat beside him on the bed. Adjusting her position until her left hip rested against his thigh she took a look at his stomach. "May I undo your uniform jacket?"

  She saw his hands clench into fists where they rested on the bed beside him. "I can do this through your uniform but skin..."

  Without comment Kos lifted his hands and began to undo his jacket. The jacket fell to either side of his abdomen leaving his bloated belly clearly delineated through the tighter fabric of his tunic. Saverna noted that he had already unbuttoned his uniform trousers. After a minute hesitation his hands curled around the hem of his tunic and he drew it up over his belly towards his chest. His hands remained there momentarily before he dropped them to his sides.

  Silvery stretched out skin covered his belly and it surprised her at first before she realized it was consistent with rapid growth.

  Kos was rigid... Braced in a way that made her wonder about his previous Bats.

  "I am going to start here—“ Reaching out she touched the lower right quadrant of his stomach with her finger tips. "and using circular motions—“ She matched her motions to her words-no more than brushing his skin. "move up to your rib cage and then across to your left side and down to here." She tapped his left hip bone lightly. "Then across to here." She paused at his belly button. "and then down here." Aware of the intimacy of the action, she lowered her hand and matter-of-factly rubbed the distended area between his belly-button and the top of his pants. Lifting her hand, she glanced up at his face, found him watching her. "I will be applying increasing pressure." She paused. "It will be uncomfortable at best—painful at worst but it shouldn't be agonizing... Let me know if you need me to decrease the pressure or stop for any reason. Physiologically, the abdomen is a vulnerable area for human beings so many people find this kind of massage disquieting or invasive."

  "I will let you know." Kos closed his eyes, curled his hands, uncurled them... once... twice before curling them loosely into fists at his sides.

  "Ready?" Saverna asked. She watched, fascinated, as he began to breathe deeply; in through the nose, out through the mouth. You are an experienced pain warrior are you not admiral? She watched him fight the impulse to move away from her punishing right hand as she rhythmically tried to coax his belly and bowels into resuming normal function.

  02:55, FRIDAY, ADMIRAL’S QUARTERS, THE ASARO

  “You look better.” Kos resisted the urge to flinch at the intimate implications behind his LT’s matter-of-fact pronouncement as he maneuvered himself out of the head and back out into his bedroom. The woman has just had her hands all over your abdomen massaging your bowels. He reminded himself brutally as he felt his cheeks begin to flame. Get a grip. “I feel better.” He forced himself to say it deliberately. And it was true, he did feel better. He had seen it in his face after he’d showered and changed into his nightclothes. The face that had looked back at him from the bathroom mirror had appeared younger—lighter and though a tiredness remained, more relaxed. Though the perpetual, unrelenting ache in his joints remained and the muscles that were overworked by his use of crutches complained at him, he felt, on the whole… comfortable.

  Perhaps it was due to the level of intimacy established by her having had her hands on his abdomen earlier, or the lateness of the hour or the fact that he was—after a couple of nights of fitful sleep and pain filled days—quite simply tired but it seemed the most natural thing in the universe to join his LT where she sat cross-legged on his bed. She had straightened the blankets but left them pulled back on his side. She clearly expected him to climb under the covers. A combination of not wanting to seem churlish and of wanting the comfort of the blankets over his legs had him climbing under the blankets as expected. A momentary surge of embarrassment had him arranging his crutches against the bedside table with greater thoroughness than usual. After a moment, he forced himself to look at her. “Thank you LT.”

  “Sav.” She said softly smiling slightly as she echoed his words earlier in the evening. “I’m Sav. And you’re welcome.” Crawling forward she pulled a tray off the night table on her side of the bed and set it between them. Kos regarded the pot of tea and plate of fruit as he would a venomous snake poised to strike. He had no trouble deciding that the last thing he wanted to do was eat anything.

  Apparently reading his mind, Saverna picked up the teapot and poured a cup of tea which she then picked up and held out to him. “You’re most likely dehydrated.” She said matter-of-factly and then when he still hesitated she lifted her brows at him slightly. “Take a sip and see how it settles. If it causes upset we will figure out an alternative method to rehydrate you.”

  Kos found that he couldn’t disagree with that either in terms of logic or tone. She wasn’t trying to force him and so he braced himself against the gag reflex that often accompanied the eating process and took a small sip of the minty tea. When it slid down his throat and settled easily in his stomach he took another sip and settled back against the headboard relieved that this was not going to be another struggle to get something into his body. The accompanying warmth spreading through his body both from the tea in his stomach and the cup in his hands spread through his body and alleviated the slight shakiness that remained from being sick and he closed his eyes briefly to enjoy it.

  Saverna poured herself a cup of tea and raising it to her lips took the opportunity to study Kosuri. Leaning back with his legs stretched before him, cup in his hands and resting against his abdomen, head tilted back and eyes closed, he was a very different Kosuri from the one s
he’d spent the last several days with. There was a physical slackness to him that she hadn’t seen before and it occurred to her suddenly that this was the first time she’d seen him comfortable. Exhausted, she amended taking in the dark circles below his eyes and the pallor of his skin, but comfortable.

  I have not been doing my job. The thought hit her hard as it occurred to her that he was always rather tense with her. You should be comfortable with me of all people. Especially in terms of all the physical stuff. She watched Kos breathe once, twice. The breath of someone who was approaching sleep. What happened tonight would not have happened had I been taken this more seriously. She took another swallow of tea as guilt churned through her. So much for being responsive and an easy touch. She thought derisively. “I’m sorry.” Kosuri’s eyes snapped open. He opened his mouth to say something but she cut him off. “This was my fault, I should have taken better care of you.”

  “LT—Sav—” He began but she interrupted him again. “I shouldn’t have said what I did about Yeoman Song either. It was none of my business.”

  Kosuri’s hands clenched around his cup. “Ah—I…” He looked down into his teacup as though it contained the answers of the universe. “It’s not your fault Saverna. It takes a long time with me.” A small shrug of the shoulders. “I can’t just….” He flicked her a brief glance. “And the thing with Yeoman Song… You were right to say what you did… I need to hear it.” Another quick glance at her. “I am not very good at social interaction.”

  “Why not?” She kept her tone and expression carefully neutral.

  “Why not what?”

  “Why aren’t you very good with social interaction?”

  “I never really learned. I was raised in a fleet boarding school and, well, I have been busy since graduation. Working—with my career.” He clarified.

  You’ve been busy working since you graduated twenty odd years ago? Saverna set that aside to digest in its entirety at a later point. “Surely…” She trailed off uncertain how to continue tactfully.

  “Surely what?” He glanced at her his slightly rueful expression indicating that he had some idea of what she wanted to ask. “Just ask Sav.”

  “Surely you have friends and have… dated.” She found herself hesitant to ask about his sex life directly.

  His lips twitched into a small smile—an indication that he knew what she was asking. “I have friends Saverna. Mostly other half recs like me. And believe it or not, I have dated.” He tilted his head back against the headboard and regarded her through half closed eyes. “Other half recs are easy though because they get it.”

  “Get it?” She asked quietly.

  “The physical stuff.” His eyes, hooded as they were, bored into hers. “The emotional—mental stuff.”

  “Non-recs don’t get it?”

  “Most don’t stick around long enough to try.” He answered softly. “Normal people are easier. So, it isn’t your fault…what happened tonight…wasn’t your fault. It’s a wiring problem with me. It’s how I am.”

  He’s giving up. Saverna stared into her teacup as the thought swirled through her. He gave up. She corrected herself. A long time ago. “But you need to be able to have relationships—to socialize now.” She said. “Your position requires it. The diplomacy alone… And crew relations…”

  “Yes. I have some catching up to do.” He intoned rather grimly.

  “That bad?” Saverna asked softly curious.

  He stared into his teacup as though it contained all of the answers to the mysteries of the universe. “Yes.” He said simply.

  “Why?”

  “It was hard enough before I was…injured…” He took a sip of tea, looked at her. “I don’t know how to relate to people.” He said baldly.

  “Because of your injuries?” Now this is interesting.

  “Yes. No. Maybe.” A shift of his shoulders against the headboard as he readjusted his weight. “It’s a…barrier yes.” He said slowly. “Another barrier.” Another pause, darker in nature had her holding her breath. “People know what happened from the broadcasts but this body…the genetics…the injuries…what I am…they don’t know where to put that.” He looked at her then, his gaze rueful. “And if I am honest, I just don’t—can’t deal with going out and doing things at the end of most days.”

  It hit her then—what she’d missed. I have been doing a piss-poor job as your bat have I not Admiral?

  “Is this new or ongoing?” Saverna forced herself to remain in the conversation even while shame had her wanting to squirm away. Ongoing. Say ongoing.

  “Ongoing—” Saverna cheered mentally but found her elation dissipating quickly when he continued. “but it has been worse lately.” It came out low and hollow. That was an admission. She watched his chest rise as he took a particularly deep breath. Steadying himself?

  “This position has increased the demands on your body.” She didn’t bother making it a question. No point in pretending ignorance.

  “Yes.” He said tightly.

  “That embarrasses you.” Saverna watched his face tighten in response to that.

  “It does.” He ground out.

  “Why?”

  “I should be able to just…push through it…without any—” His left hand opened to indicate his abdomen.

  “Without any accommodation?” She filled in.

  Kosuri nodded once, twice. “Yeah.”

  Saverna let the words form in her head before she opened her mouth. Tread softly here. This is a sore spot. “Kos your body suffered injuries serving you under circumstances that would have destroyed other weaker bodies. That body saved millions of lives.” He was watching her now and she met his gaze deliberately as she continued. “As a result, that body, that strong body now requires some accommodation and care to keep it comfortable. That strong, heroic body does not deserve the punishment of being pushed without consideration.”

  Silence and then. “I don’t know what to do with that.”

  “Accept it.” Saverna took a deep breath. “And make proper use of me.” I can do better. I need to do better. “Let me help you.”

  8

  09:30, SATURDAY, ADMIRAL’S READYROOM, THE ASARO

  SHE WAS STARING AT HIM. KOSURI could feel the weight of his LT's disapproval from across the room. Lieutenants JG do not glare at admirals Saverna. He told her silently and then hoping to transmit that with his own glare, he glanced up from the day's schedule he was reviewing with Captain Odell, up past that same captain's shoulder and locked gazes with his bodywoman where she stood; properly and professionally and yet somehow still insolently in the ascribed at ease position—back ramrod straight, legs shoulder width apart and arms behind her back— just to the right of his office door.

  In response, she raised an eyebrow at him and tilted her head ever so slightly in the direction of the tray of food that sat on the desk between himself and the captain. The tray that she had prepared first thing upon their arrival at his office that morning and delivered, as was the custom, to his desk in preparation for his daily breakfast meeting with the captain. The same tray that had now gone untouched for the duration of the meeting. As he glared at her, she narrowed her eyes at him; He can't eat if you don't.

  Whether the words were an actual telepathic transmission from his bodywoman, Universe forfend; he shuddered at the thought of his LT running rampant through his brain; or the product of his own brain he didn't know but he felt his stomach knot at the appalling realization that he hadn't noticed, that, because he never ate or drank during their morning meetings, his captain had likely been going without breakfast for months. How can I not have noticed that? What kind of commander—what kind of person doesn't notice things like that?

  As embarrassment washed over him, he glanced down at the tray; bread both sweet and savory, fruit, and an assortment of cheeses and meats accompanied by pots of tea and coffee as well as a pitcher of what appeared to be some sort of fruit juice.

  Despite his determination to make
certain his captain was able to eat, Kosuri felt himself cringe internally at the thought of putting anything into his body. The first few hours of morning when the pain was less and his stomach was empty and therefore comfortable were his favorite time of day and the thought of losing that was almost enough to make him leave his captain to his own devices in terms of getting breakfast. I mean how hard can it be for the man to order breakfast on his own. He is captain of the bloody ship for god's sake. There are people to bring him breakfast. He glared at her.

  She already most likely thinks you're an asshole. The thought whispered through him. Hollowed him out in spaces he hadn't thought existed. And in the end, it was the weight of her gaze that had him reaching for the coffeepot and pouring himself a cup and then after setting the pot down in front of his Captain's astonished face, reaching for what seemed like a fairly innocuous looking piece of bread. With great deliberation, he refrained from looking at Saverna, instead he focussed on adding sugar and milk to his coffee. After a moment Odell followed his lead.

  Finally, the inevitable could be delayed no longer and lifting the cup to his lips he braced himself and took a small sip. To his everlasting surprise, the coffee went down easily and settled in his stomach with nary a whimper and after a brief hesitation during which he debated the merits of pushing his luck; he took another sip. Wondering if she’d done something to the coffee, he shot a glance at Saverna. Expressionless soldier face.

  Returning his attention back to his Captain, Kos tore off a piece of the pastry on his place and popped it into his mouth. When that had no impact he cast one last thoughtful glance at his bodywoman before returning to the ship’s business at hand.

  As she watched, Kosuri reached for a slice of apple and made quick work of it. A melon ball and grape followed the apple and Saverna made a mental note to make certain the admiral was supplied with fruit throughout the day. She frowned at the now cold coffee in from of Kosuri. And possibly tea rather than coffee. It occurred to her that she was observing him the way a new mother would observe an infant. Is this what all my training has come to? Trying to suss out the eating preferences of a grown man? Another grape, another melon ball. You’re more than likely just bored. Standing here with nothing to do. It’s not like you can interrupt and ask. Kosuri shifted in his seat and she took the opportunity to check out his abdomen.